Vicki Sweet

“Everything you want to know about people who make too much money!”

Utah Shaw

Britney Spears’ Ass Catches Fire

Actress Britney Spears returned to the set from a luncheon Friday to find her ass on fire. “I don’t know what happened to it.” the actress said. “It seemed perfectly normal when I left it here.”

A considerable insurance policy had recently been taken out on the damaged body part, so arson is being investigated as a possible cause.

Lady GaGa Buys New Face

Soon to be the recipient of a full face transplant, Lady GaGa was overheard bubbling: “ I just can’t believe it! This is just going to be soooooo rocking!

The singer had waited almost a full year to be considered, and said: “When the doctors saw my face, they moved me to the top of the list. I can finally get rid of those masks! ”

Steven Tyler Wears Gayest Shirt Ever

American Idol judge Steven Tyler wore what was considered by experts to be the gayest shirt ever created last night.

The purple and pink clothing monstrosity has reportedly caused the color settings of many television sets to malfunction.

President Orders Bombing of Antarctica

“If we don’t take action now, the seals will surely drive the penguins into the sea!” President Obama said after a luncheon Tuesday.

“We are expecting significant voter kick-back if we do nothing. Gotta keep those numbers up. Also, we have had reports of Al-qaeda operatives in the area.”

Nancy Pelosi Accused of Cannibalism

Former Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi was taken into custody after a routine traffic stop when her car trunk was discovered to be full of body parts, most of which seem to be from several missing FOX News anchors.

Pelosi was released on bail and a promise to be good.

John Boener Arrested for Possession of LSD

Police arrested Mr Boener at Seaview Mall yesterday after a disturbance. Found in his possession were 5000 paper tablets of LSD, 2 grams of cocaine, and a bottle of butyl nitrate.

“Lay off dude. I’m just trying to find myself.” he said to anyone who would listen.

Apple and Microsoft Merge

Founders Bill gates and Steve Jobs announced the merger of their companies today. The new company will be called Scrooyoo. Test consumers have so far reported dissatisfaction with the new product.

Said John Winslow of Illinois: “The goddamn thing was obsolete by the time I got it out of the box.”

Joe Biden Sends Reporter to Guantanamo

“I thought they were kidding at first. They said they were sending me to a “storage room”, but after I was waterboarded a few times, I began to get suspicious.” said reporter Scott Powers.

An apology was issued by the office of the vice president. “Beats me how this could have happened.” said Mr Biden. “But he can’t be too mad. We gave him some water.”

God Ticketed For Loitering in Hollywood

Intergalactic deity God was given a ticket yesterday on Hollywood Boulavard for posing for pictures with tourists. “It’s a bum rap.” He said. “Just wait until I show up in court!”

The officer who issued the ticket was quoted as saying: “We can’t have these panhandlers dressed as celebrities just overrunning Hollywood. They’re pests, and most of them just use the money for drugs, anyway.”